Superhero Diaries

As some of you may have noticed, the Diaries haven’t exactly been updated in a while. It was always a labor of love, but between the amount of effort involved and the few (but amazing, in my opinion) people who read it, I decided to shelve the Diaries, except for a last-ditch sumission to a little site called Crave Online.  Bizarrely, they were desperate enough for content to take it, and in the months since, Crave has blown up.  It turns out that guys actually like comic books along with movies and fine women, though the editors at Crave seem to be the only ones who know it.   Luckily for me, they’re still kind enough to publish a Superhero Diary every couple of weeks or so, and I invite you to please go check them out at their new home.

As for Two Heroes in a Jar and I, Superhero, I hope to have some good news about those coming soon.  For updates, check back with my personal blog, Underpants On The Outside.

All the best,

-z

Anytime you make a “best-of” list, it’s obviously going to be subjective, and few people, if any, are going to agree with you. So after reading MSNBC’s list of the five best comic book villains, we here at Superhero Diaries thought we’d sit down with some of the big-bads who didn’t make the cut: Magneto, Doctor Doom, Brainiac, Darkseid, and Galactus.

Superhero Diaries: Gentlemen, hello. Let’s get right to it – number one, Lex Luthor.

Brainiac: I’ll start. Look, I will admit, I’ve hung out with Luthor on a number of occasions, and I want to say that I like him - I consider him a friend. And when it comes to the ladies, there is no better wingman out there. That being said, the guy is a human. When it comes to offensive capabilities, he has his body guard Mercy who we’re pretty sure is a post-op trannie, and a suit of high-tech armor…that Darkseid built for him.

Darkseid: Respect. Respect for DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS!

Doctor Doom: What? Some guy with a store-bought suit is #1?? What a crock! I built my first suit out of a Peugeot and an Apple 2E! And it was awesome!

Brainiac: See, that’s what I mean. He’s a good guy and a great businessman, but when you break it down, he’s just a rich man with nice toys who gets by on his rep. I’m not sure what the silly looking guys in the capes have ever done, but I shrunk a Kryptonian city and its entire population for fun. I keep it in a mason jar.

Superhero Diaries: Good point. Still, Lex Luthor is Superman’s arch-enemy; I suppose he has to be on the list. Plus, he makes bald beautiful…

Brainiac: So? I’m bald.

Darkseid: As is DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS!

Superhero Diaries: Yes, but I’m just balding, not turning green or a sickly grayish purple. And speaking of bad complexions, let’s talk about #2, the Joker.

Brainiac: I bet you think I’m going to pooh pooh the Joker too. I’m not. Just because he works on a smaller scale doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve respect. First of all, he dreams big. Most of us just want to rule the world, but he wants to kill it. That’s pretty villainous. Second of all, he fights Batman to a standstill, and even I think Batman is pretty bad-ass.

Darkseid: Word. That guy punched me in the face, and that takes some brass ones. For I am DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS!

Magneto: Who are these guys? Who are they talking about?

Doctor Doom: I have no idea.

Superhero Diaries: Batman is most definitely bad-ass. Okay, so the Joker is legit. I can’t say the same for the next villain, Ozymandias. For anyone not familiar with Alan Moore’s Watchmen* Ozymandias was a hero who claimed to be the smartest man on Earth. Later he staged a fake alien invasion, killing millions, but he did so to avert a growing nuclear crisis.

Magneto: Why would he want to avert a nuclear war? What fate would better fit homo sapiens, with fire clearing a path for Earth’s true rulers, mutants! Homo Superior!

Doctor Doom: Yeah – he’s not even a villain!

Brainiac: Can someone please calm the Superior Homo and his R2 unit? Nice capes, fellas – don’t go getting them in a bunch. Though I must protest: Ozymandias is the smartest man on Earth? Hello…my name is Brainiac? Plus, look at what he’s wearing! Is that a loincloth? A toga?

Darkseid: DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS OBJECTS! The guy may be a tool, but there’s nothing wrong with wearing something loose fitting. THE RULING TESTIKALS OF APOKOLIPS MUST BREATHE!

Magneto: Of course you say that – you’re wearing a skirt. Hey Doom, can you find out who this windbag is?

Doctor Doom: I’m Googling him, but I can’t find anything. Is Dark Side one word or two?

Darkseid: One word, but it’s actually spelled “d-a-r-k-s-e-i-d”.

Doctor Doom: Is that Jewish or something?

Darkseid: I actually get asked that a lot. The answer’s no. But Apokoliptan spelling is very similar to German.

Superhero Diaries: So we’re all in agreement that Ozymandias was a ridiculous choice and an obvious attempt by the author to prove he SHE read Watchmen and therefore seem cool, like when I reference Fugazi songs. But let’s stay on track, fellas. Doom, Magneto, we now come to someone from your neck of the woods: Dark Phoenix. How do you feel about this one? She did eat a star…

Doctor Doom: You mind if I go first?

Magneto: Not at all (filthy human).

Doctor Doom: What?

Magneto: Hm? Oh, nothing.

Doctor Doom: Anyway, as I was about to say, Dark Phoenix caused billions of deaths, and I think we’d all agree that’s very impressive. [Everyone nods, except Galactus, who shrugs] But then she went and killed herself with remorse.  If you’re a bad guy, you can’t get all weepy every time you kill people, whether it’s a village in Latveria or a system of planets. Honestly she comes off less like a villain and more like a pouty fifteen year old.

Superhero Diaries: Galactus, you’ve been awfully quiet up until now –

Galactus: That’s because I’m Galactus, Destroyer of Worlds. I eat planets. The Silver Surfer is my man-servant. Why don’t you guys work out which one of you is the best villain, and then I’ll come along and stir-fry your solar system.

Brainiac: Sounds like someone’s jealous…

Galactus: Of what – that she ate a star? Whatever. I can eat a star; I just don’t do it very often. You know what they say: “it burns like nuclear fusion going in, and it burns like nuclear fission on the way out.”

Doctor Doom: Ew.

Superhero Diaries: You said it. Okay one left. Let me see here…the Red Skull? That can’t be right…

Magneto: It’s preposterous! He is merely a Homo Sap-

Brainiac: Wait, why not? He sounds interesting, no matter what kind of homo he is.

Darkseid: YES, DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS, FINDS SKULLS TO BE BAD-ASS!

Magneto: But he’s just a Nazi!

Brainiac: Really?

Darkseid: DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS, DEMANDS TO KNOW: what’s a Nazi, dude?

Brainiac: I’ll explain it to you later. Wait – so you mean he doesn’t have any super powers?

Magneto: Nope.

Brainiac: What sort of weapons does he use?

Magneto: Guns, mostly. And the ‘Dust of Death.”

Brainiac: What the hell is that?

Magneto: I don’t know. Asbestos, maybe?

Brainiac: Well, why do they call him the Red Skull?

Magneto: Got a face like a red skull. Used to be a mask; then it got melted on.

Brainiac: He sounds like a carnival act. And you’re sure he’s just a Nazi?

Magneto: Yep.

Brainiac: Huh…well, that’s just stupid.

Magneto: Yep.

Doctor Doom: Uh-huh.

Galactus: I’m out of here. I’ve got a planet size casserole in the oven.

Superhero Diaries: There you have it – out of five top villains, two are pretentious dickheads with no superpowers and one is the type of girl who can eat a sun, but then gets all sad because she’s a big fat pig and boys will never like her. But then again, the author did read “Watchmen”. I’m sure he SHE knows what he SHE’s talking about.

*I’m contractually obligated to say that Watchmen is the greatest thing of all time ever, and it revolutionized comic blah blah blah – I’m sorry, as good as it is, the Prince Charming and text interludes are boring. There, I said it. And while we’re on the subject, the interdimensional – psychedelic warp scene in 2001 sucks ass.

I just started a new job this week, and things have been a little hectic.  I haven’t had as much time to write lately, so I figured I’d point you guys to this hilarious Aquaman Monologue to tide you over in the meantime.  It’s funnier than whatever I’d have written, anyway.

This is why I want to be published on McSweeney’s so badly.

To the tune of the “Real Men of Genius” Bud Light ads

Today we salute you, Ms. Attractive Girl Working at the Comic Book Store.
(Ms. Attractive Girl Working at the Comic Book Store!)

When cupcakes and breasts are the only thing that could make a trip to the comic book store better, you show up with the one that’s illegal to purchase.
(Show me those wonder girls!)

What more could a man possibly want, when he’s got a cute girl who can talk comics?
(DON’T forget that employee discount!)

Every day you go to work, you bridge the gender gap, bravely sidestepping the stigma of nerditude and the lusty stares of fat men, because you really want to know how long Kid Devil will continue to be a Teen Titan.
(He’s so very LA-A-AME!)

So here’s to you, Super Girl, from all the men hoping that you’ll come back to their Fortress and help get rid of the Solitude.
(Ms. Attractive Girl Working at the Comic Book Stooooooooore…..)

Great Caesar’s Ghost! Have you guys seen this??? It’s “Who Wants to be a Superhero”, a reality show about wanna-be superheroes. Grown men and women are going to dress up in outfits and compete for Stan Lee’s attention. Let’s take a look at the roster, shall we? (First of all, if we’re going to have a show about superheroes, let’s not list their secret identities on a website, huh? C’mon Stan.)

Feedback: Feedback is a 34 year old software engineer who gets his powers from video games he plays, and can disrupt electronics. Power lines give him headaches and microwaves give him nausea.

My impression: Yes, and girls make his hands clammy. What an amazing study in contradictions. Power lines give him headaches, but he needs electricity to power the video games where he gets his powers, one of which is to disrupt electronics, or in other words… the source of his powers. It’s like if Batman said he was afraid of the dark. I say feed him daisies until he spits fireballs or gives up and goes home.

Read more…

Check out this article on a real-life superhero.

Rather than make fun of the guy, I think it’s pretty cool, and no, I can’t explain why.  I like that he admits his ‘Kryptonite’ is just about everything that could possibly hurt a human being.  I appreciate that he goes out with nothing but good intentions despite looking ridiculous. 

I also know that anyone who knows him, from his mom to his eighth-grade girlfriend, all read that article and immediately thought, “That’s totally Evan and that quiet guy he always hangs out with.”

I watched the Spiderman 3 trailer last night, and if I may say so: goddamn. Goddamn that looks good.

First of all, the crawly black Venom suit looks awesome. My only concern is how they’re going to explain how it’s alive, because I doubt they’re going to call it an alien “symbiote.” (I have always been impressed with the authority Marvel has using the word “symbiote”, considering I’ve never seen it anywhere else and I’m pretty sure they made it up.) Unfortunately, I have a sneaking suspicion that the creepy suit with a life of its own will be explained by some usage of the word “nano”.

I’m also kinda hoping they change Topher Grace’s character’s name. Topher plays Eddie Brock, the man behind the Venom mask, but Eddie Brock is the name of a big guy; a guy built like a longshoreman. Topher Grace is a scrawny dude with highlights in his hair, and I’d appreciate it if they re-named him “Jeremy”, “Scott,” or “Nightingale.”

One more critique, then I’ll get back to the good stuff. When we see the Venom suit, the text talks about “the darkness”, and as long we’re talking about the black suit and violence, I’m cool with that. But then we get a shot of Peter Parker with asymmetrical bangs and he’s wearing a sweater, and I want to point out that just because Peter is feeling down doesn’t mean he’s going to turn into a hipster. I’d hate to think Spiderman loses it because he listened to the Arcade Fire one too many times.

All in all though, the movie looks awesome. The brief look we get of the Sandman effects and the end shot of the two Spidermen have me genuinely pumped. I can’t wait until this Christmas when the movie comes out- oh wait, it’s not being released until May of 2007. If I had known that, I’m honestly not sure I would have watched it; that’s the kind of blueballing I typically associate with an episode of Lost. I bet I’m getting some great gifts for my 40th birthday, but I’m not sure I want to hear about them now.

Did you hear? Peter Parker is Spiderman!

Reason number 1 why New York is the greatest city ever: we are now reporting comic book news as if it were real news. Logically, the next step would be blogging comic book life as if it were real li- oh wait, I’VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR MONTHS! I’m a goddamn visionary!

The only sad part is that, despite what the article says, that issue came out a week ago [Ed - no it didn’t] yet the Post still managed to beat everyone else to the story. The Times and Daily News better get on the ball; I hear Superman is battling a giant spaceship RIGHT NOW.

In fact, there is no section in the paper that couldn’t use a little comic book news from time to time. Observe:

Obituaries: The Ventriloquist, Magpie, and Cold War-era relic KGBeast were murdered in Gotham City.

Law: She-Hulk’s rape suspect, Starfox, escaped from prison.

Business: Lexcorp has made surprising developments in the field of anti-Superman spacecraft and is reported higher-than-expected earnings in Q3.

Life and Leisure: If you’re looking for fun things to do in Star City, take a night-time catapult tour of the city from City Hall, courtesy of Green Arrow.

Sports: Thor hits 10,567 ft home run. Thor has always lived under suspicion for steroid abuse due to his outlandish physique, but now critics are leveling additional charges that he uses a corked hammer.

Life is awesome.

Full Disclosure: Apparently Gawker got to this story earlier today and made a similar joke as me. I think mine was better, at the very least longer and based on actual comic books. Still, they’re a lot better at this blogging thing than me, and I wanted to acknowledge it lest I get a beatdown for plagiarism.

Update: Goddamnit! The issue DID come out yesterday! This whole post hasn’t really been working out for me. I guess that’s what happens when my fact checking department, like my IT and legal departments, consists of me and a six pack of Miller Lite. Clearly I’m understaffed and need to hire more six packs. BA-DUM-BUM! (Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week.)

Check out this photo of the official Dad of Underpants on the Outside:

He keeps good company, but I’m a little peeved that Dad risks both his life and my own by exposing his secret identity.

Now check out Robin. Everyone else has an action pose; even Dad’s got a Silver Surfer thing going on. Robin’s got a bicep. Way to go, champ.

The following sentence was said to me on 2/15 at 9:05 PM, according to my notes.

“You look like Clark Kent.”

I don’t look like Clark Kent. There are blond Asian women who look more like Superman than I do. I can’t even pretend I’m Superman for an hour after I’ve seen my reflection. The only reason this girl could possibly have thought I looked like Clark Kent was because I was wearing glasses and it was an open bar that night. Even then I think she might have been having a stroke.

Doesn’t matter. Whatever she was selling, I was buying. I looked her dead in the eye and said, “Yes. Yes I do. Now excuse me while I go write that down.”

Moments like these are why I carry a notebook.