Superhero Diaries

The Main Event: Iron Man vs. Steel. Both represent the respective efforts of Marvel and DC, respectively, to toy with the hopes and dreams of their readers. Their hero status symbolizes that you don’t need superpowers to be a member of the Justice League/Avengers – all you need is to be smarter than everyone around you, especially if you like playing with robots*. Next thing you know you’re nineteen years old and still playing with your toy AT-AT. I hate Iron Man and Steel.

In the red corner: Iron Man – When he’s not fighting crime, Iron Man is also Tony Stark, a wealthy playboy, notorious womanizer and recovering alcoholic. The suit’s primary weapons are “repulsor rays” in the gauntlets (which I’ve already discussed, and are violations of everything we know about physics), though since Iron Man is basically a human-shaped version of Batman’s utility belt, he can really have any weapon writers can think of concealed somewhere in the suit.

In the blue corner: Steel –John Henry Irons (get it? Irons/Steel? BRILLIANT!) was a high-tech weapons designer until one of his designs was used to kill people. For some reason, this made him sad – clearly he never read his own business card. To ease his (nonsensical) guilt, he began working construction.

One day Irons fell from a construction site, and would have died had Superman not come to the rescue. Inspired, Irons built a suit of armor with a big Superman-style S on the chest, tied a cape around the neck, and went out to fight crime. Basically, Steel is the world’s most powerful groupie. (Take THAT, Jimmy Olsen!)

Aside from being Superman’s Number One Fan, Steel doesn’t have that many powers. His suit gives him increased strength and flight, but really his only weapon is a giant sledgehammer. But wait, it’s a “smart” sledgehammer! That means that the farther Steel throws it, the harder it hits, according to Einstein’s Second Theory of Shit That Can Never Happen. It also has the ability to analyze its target’s defenses and steer towards any weaknesses. Forget Luke and his ability to bull’s-eye womprats - this thing could have totally taken out the Death Star all by itself. What’s up now, R2?!?**

The Handicap: Given that Steel really hasn’t put much time and effort into his actual armor, I’m teaming him up with Troy Hurtubise. As some of you may know, Mr. Hurtubise is the designer of the Ursus Mark VI, a suit of armor that would allow him to live his dream of beating up a grizzly bear, or at least not dying when he walks up to one and punches it in the face. In any case, I’ve seen the guy take a shotgun blast to the chest in the thing – that’s pretty damned awesome. Plus, he was inspired by Robocop. I won’t lie, I really want to hang out with him.***

Round One: With the numbers on their side, Steel and Hurtubise go on the offensive. Hurtubise charges while Steel challenges, “I understand you used to be an alcoholic – let’s get you hammered!” Iron Man easily dodges both while chiding Steel for the awful pun.

Iron Man takes to the air. Steel follows while Hurtubise is helplessly stuck on the ground. Iron Man kicks him in the head, and while the blow doesn’t hurt Hurtubise, he is tipped over onto his back and unable to turn himself over. He spends the rest of the round praying he never meets a flying bear.

As for Iron Man, he seems bizarrely unwilling to engage Steel. He only defends, and no blows are exchanged.

Intermission: After helping Hurtubise off the ground, Steel and the inventor take their helmets off to discuss strategy. Across the jar, Stark shouts, “Wait a minute! I though I was fighting Superman and that redheaded life partner of his!”

Hurtubise suggests they mark Iron Man’s territory with their own urine – Steel ignores him. He then suggests they stand on two legs so as to seem bigger and more aggressive – Steel disdainfully shakes him off. Hurtubise then says, “I got it! Let’s play dead!” Steel agrees, Hurtubise falls to the floor, and Steel turns to fight.

Round 2: Iron Man and Steel hover several feet off the bottom of the jar. Steel attacks again, but a sledgehammer is unwieldy and slow, and Iron Man dodges easily, talking all the while: “So wait…I still don’t understand why you have the S on your chest. And what’s with the cape? That’s just plain stupid.”

The banter infuriates Steel. He backs away from Iron Man and growls, “You may be Iron Man, but I’m Mr. Irons,” and hurls his hammer. Iron Man’s eyes roll with disgust as he sidesteps the attack.

Suddenly, Steel’s hammer veers off-course. Having analyzed Iron Man’s armor, the hammer’s software determined that Tony Stark himself was the suit’s biggest vulnerability, and given his well-known weakness for women, the hammer concluded that Iron Man’s Achilles’ heel is, in fact, his junk. Iron Man is unprepared; the hammer collides with a tremendous crash as he collapses. Fortunately the round ends before the referee can count to ten.

Intermission: Steel shouts apologies across the jar, saying he had no idea the hammer was going to do that. Iron Man does not reply. Hurtubise mentions that he would never kick a bear in the nads, then goes back to playing dead.

Round 3: Even with a limp, Iron Man looks imposing as he stands in the middle of the jar. Steel attempts to reconcile, saying, “Listen, I can’t tell you how sorry I a-,” but he is cutoff when a clear liquid jets from a hidden compartment in Iron Man’s midsection. Steel shouts, “Holy – did you just piss on -,” but again he is cut off. The liquid was Loctite, freezing the joints in Steel’s suit.

Iron Man unleashes a flurry of punches on the helpless Steel, as Hurtubise, lying as still as possible, shouts, “Play dead, dude! PLAY DEAD!!!” The outcome of the match is clear, but Iron Man insists on adding insult to injury. While singing “If I Only Had a Brain”, he poses Steel in a series of compromising positions involving Hurtubise, who can only lie there muttering, “I’mdeadI’mdeadI’mdeadI’mdead,” as Iron Man takes photographs.

The Winner: Iron Man and his last functioning testicle. For the record, Steel doesn’t actually use such awful puns. Maybe I was a bit rough on him, but to be honest, I always thought he was a terrible character born out of an awful Superman storyline. No superhero who isn’t a Norse thunder god should rely on a hammer.

*Yes, one could argue that Batman and the archers (Green Arrow, Red Arrow, Hawkeye, and probably a bunch of other dudes I can’t think of) also represent normal people who became superheroes based purely on effort. But even a thirteen year old boy knows that

1. They don’t have the money, charm or testicular fortitude to be Batman, and
2. The archers have ZERO job security, and they are a pink slip away from being attractions on the Renaissance Fair circuit.

**I have no idea why I’m on such a Star Wars kick today.

***I think this is because the grizzly suit seems like something my friend OG would build, leading us to the following conversation:

Z: Why on Earth would you want a grizzly suit, dude?
OG: Because it’s high time we stopped being afraid of some punk ass grizzly cub that weighs less than my Labrador. We have opposable thumbs. I am going to build me a grizzly suit, and make some grizzly cub my bitch while his mom sits there and does nothing. I’m gonna take his lunch money.
Z: You’re insane.
OG: Whatever, dude. Chicks dig guys who have punched grizzly bears in the face.
Z: …do grizzly suits come in size ‘small’?

Put any two comic book fans in a room together, and sooner or later a sentence is going to begin, “Who would win between…” It’s similar to the well-known bit where a kid puts Insect A and Insect B in a jar and shakes it see “who wins”, as if eight earthworms will eat a beetle if they are sufficiently vibrated.

Well, this is me, doing that.

Today we pit Aquaman vs. Namor. Both men call themselves the King of Atlantis. Anywhere else in the world and this would result in a devastating civil war, but we can settle it here, man-to-man. (Note: For thematic purposes the match will be held in an aquarium rather than a jar.)

In the Red Corner: Aquaman. Aquaman is the DC Universe’s Go-Bot. He is the son of a mermaid and a lighthouse operator (a union whose sexual logistics are nightmarish to consider), born with abilities beyond that of an ordinary lifeguard. He has above-average strength, can swim at above-average speeds, and best of all, has a telepathic rapport with all sea creatures. They say that he can cause small tidal waves by “throwing water”, but since a “small tidal wave” is really subjective, I get the idea that he’s just splashing around. I can make the bed shake with a fart; doesn’t mean I can call it an earthquake.

Somehow he managed to turn all of that into a membership in the Justice League of America, though I suspect there was also some Atlantean Affirmative Action policy in place as well. Or maybe the JLA is like any Ivy League school and he just bought them a library. In any case, Aquaman likes to make himself seem important by pompously reminding everyone that 70% of the Earth is covered by the ocean. Everyone else is polite enough not to mention that all of the interesting stuff happens in that other 30%.

In the Blue Corner: Namor. Namor is Marvel Comics’ Aquaman. I have no idea who came first, and I’m too lazy to look it up on Wikipedia. Namor and Aquaman have practically the same powers, and the same aversion to wearing a shirt. The only difference is that Namor has wings on his feet that allow him to fly, because Marvel writers realized that without them he’d be entirely worthless. Bizarrely, Namor’s wings are the feathered kind.

The Handicap: To reduce Namor’s single advantage of flight, the fish tank will have a closed cover and Aquaman will enlist the help of a flying fish named Rick. To make sure Rick listened to his telepathic commands rather than Namor’s, Aquaman promised Rick that he’d help him move next weekend.

Round 1: The two combatants tread water, sizing each other up. Namor asks, “why don’t you have wings on your feet?” Aquaman replies, “Because that would be moronic.” Rick the Flying Fish murmurs, “Y’know, I’m floating right here.” Aquaman apologizes.

Noticing Aquaman’s distraction, Namor rushes forward. He and Aquaman grapple and exchange several blows, though the damage seems minimal. Rick the Flying Fish finds an out of the way corner, vaguely uncomfortable at the sight of two shirtless men in codpieces rolling around in the water. Scoring is low at the end of the round, but Namor holds a slight lead.

Round 2: As soon as the bell rings, Namor rushes down to the bottom of the aquarium and scoops up an armful of those little blue pebbles. When he rushes past Aquaman and out of the water, it becomes clear that he intends to launch a campaign of aerial pebble bombing, but Aquaman is able to dodge easily, just as Namor is able to evade Aquman’s anti-aircraft pebbles.

Ever the strategist, Aquaman sees that it is time to call forth Rick the Flying Fish. With all of his might, Rick thrusts towards the surface and leaps into the air, turning his body into an airborne missile. Unfortunately, like most fish, Rick’s eyes have difficulty focusing on targets above the surface. He misses badly, and his head collides with the top of the tank. Namor and Aquaman both stifle giggles, and Rick retreats to the bottom of the tank, muttering disparaging remarks involving both of their mothers and a pod of blue whales. The round ends without further incident.

Round 3: Believing himself to be ahead in the judges’ scoring, Namor again takes flight and intends to wait out the rest of the match. Suddenly Aquaman remembers his talent for creating “small tidal waves”, and sends a barrage of them in Namor’s direction. For the most part, Namor protects himself by shielding his hands in front of his face, but water keeps getting in his mouth and it’s really annoying. Namor dives back into the water.

Namor has noticed that while Aquaman launches his “tidal waves” with relentless fury, they lack precision and accuracy. Clearly this is a result of Aquaman being an only child. Namor, on the other hand, has several younger siblings and cousins, and has learned a much more effective splash-fight strategy. He sends several smaller, faster splashes through Aquaman’s flailing and directly into his eyes, temporarily blinding him. Namor then presses his advantage and uses the confusion to grab Aquaman in a headlock and “noogie” him mercilessly. Aquaman struggles in vain to free himself, but Namor’s grip is too strong. Aquaman has no choice but to tap out and concede the match.

The Winner: Namor, by forfeit. Two weeks after the match, Aquaman is further disgraced when the Justice League of America offers his membership to Namor and informs him that he is no longer eligible for their twenty percent discount at participating AMC Theaters.

Put any two comic book fans in a room together, and sooner or later a sentence is going to begin, “Who would win between…” It’s similar to the well-known bit where a kid puts Insect A and Insect B in a jar and shakes it see “who wins”, as if eight earthworms will eat a beetle if they are sufficiently vibrated.

Well, this is me, doing that.

Today we pit Iron Man vs. Green Lantern in a battle to see who can violate Newton’s laws the most.

In the Left Corner: Green Lantern Test pilot Hal Jordan wears a ring that that can make solid objects out of green light in whatever shapes Jordan wants. Unfortunately, the limitless number of possibilities causes Jordan to solve problems with overly complex methods. For instance, if he locked himself out of the house, he wouldn’t make a giant green key, he’d make a giant green janitor with a giant green keyring.

The Green Lantern ring is often called the most powerful weapon in the Universe, yet one of his greatest enemies is “Shark”… a mutant shark with arms and legs. Apparently the one shape the Green Lantern ring cannot make is a fishhook.

In the Right Corner: Iron Man Iron Man is the alter-ego of Tony Stark, who wears a state-of-the-art suit of armor of his own design. Similar to Green Lantern, Iron Man’s primary weapon are “repulsor rays” mounted in his armor’s gauntlets and chest plate, and capable of applying great force without any sort of kickback. This is about as scientifically valid as a one-way two-by-four, and while Hal Jordan is only a test pilot, Stark has a Master’s in Electrical Engineering from MIT, so this really oughta be twisting his brain into mush. Maybe that’s why he has such a drinking problem. (He really has one.)

The Handicap: Hal Jordan wears the most powerful weapon in the Universe. This makes me believe the Universe is alarmingly deficient when it comes to weaponry, but if the book says his ring is the most powerful, then it’s the most powerful. I’m going to put three Iron Men in the jar.

Round 1: From the opening bell, Green Lantern goes with his ol’ favorite, a gigantic green boxing glove. Fortunately for him, the Iron Men didn’t realize they were facing combat technology from Bugs Bunny cartoons and one of them is caught completely off his guard. (As he lies on the bottom of the jar, illustrated bluebirds and stars are seen floating around his head, indicating his unconsciousness.) The other two Iron Men take off using their jet boots and fire repulsor rays. Green Lantern attempts to remove one of the Iron Men from his armor using a pair of twenty-foot chopsticks, but he has much difficulty wielding them as he does with real chopsticks, and the Iron Men take advantage of his confusion by getting a couple shots in. Green Lantern constructs a giant green pillow fort for protection, and the round ends in a stalemate. The two conscious Iron Men land to debate strategies.

Between Rounds 1 and 2: Hal Jordan creates two green girls in bikinis carrying boards that read “Round 2″ as the first Iron Man regains consciousness. A notorious (but unfortunately confused) lothario, Stark attempts to flirt with the girls. His companions try to stop him, but he refuses to listen and they quickly give up. The girls pretend not to be able to hear him, so Stark removes his helmet, and when the second round begins he is whopped with another green boxing glove. The air in the jar is becoming crowded with birdies and stars, but once the fighting begins they are quickly obliterated.

Round 2: The two Iron Men spent the break discussing tactics and have decided to go with a summer camp favorite. One Iron Man lobs a small, ominous looking canister in the air. Green Lantern follows it with his eyes, preparing to form a gigantic green catcher’s mitt, but as his head tilts back, the Iron Men hit him in the stomach with repulsor rays. It turns out the canister is nothing more than a one-time use can of Tag Body Spray. Worse, it’s already used.

Jordan retaliates by forming a large keyboard in the air with a cable leading to one Iron Man’s armor. When large green fingers press “Control, Alt and Delete”, the armor’s task manager pops up, freezing all activity and rendering him useless. Unfortunately the round ends before the last Iron Man can be similarly disabled.

Round 3: At the start of the round Jordan attempts his control-alt-delete tactic again, but without affect. After the match, it is discovered that Iron Man used the break to switch operating systems from Windows XP to Linux, and was heard muttering “I should’ve done this years ago.”

From the opening bell the fighters warily circle each other. The fight seems to be in Green Lantern’s favor; after all, two Iron Men are eliminated, and Iron Man’s repulsor rays are no match for Green Lantern’s shields. But as Green Lantern attempts one Byzantine attack after another, Iron Man proves to be too quick. Green Lantern pins Iron Man in an image of a large green Italian Sub, but Iron Man escapes before the sandwich can be eaten by a larger green fat man. Iron Man also steps off of the green railroad tracks before being flattened by a green locomotive. For the rest of the round, Green Lantern seems confused, mumbling to himself, ” Green Dragon? No…Green Tommy-Gun Wielding Prohibition-Era Gangster? No…”

The Result: With both combatants still standing, the match is ruled a draw. As the lid of the jar is removed, Green Lantern slaps his head and shouts “GREEN CAN OPENER! FUCK, WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?!?”