Superhero Diaries

The Superhero Diaries: by those with their underwear on the outside.

By Robin

Current Mood: Angry/Sad

Listening to: The Postal Service

My life totally sucks. I know everyone says that and all, but I’m serious. I’ve got a team full of misfits, my ex-girlfriend is crazy, all my friends keep dying, and I have totally bad bacne. It’s so unfair. Why does everything happen to me???

A few months ago, I was totally kewl. (Batman hates it when I use TXT speak, but I’m like…whatever, old man, TTYL.) I led the Teen Titans, which was made up of myself, Superboy, Cyborg, Kid Flash, Raven, Wonder Girl, Beast Boy, and sometimes Speedy. All of us were totally BFF, and we even had a cartoon about us, which basically means that there isn’t a high school in America where I haven’t gotten to third base with some chick behind the gym. (I’m SO not looking forward to my eighteenth birthday next month. Hello, statutory much?)

Everything started to change when Superboy died. He was my best friend, so that totally sucked, though it wasn’t all bad; shortly afterwards I started hooking up with Wonder Girl. She’s smokin’-hot, but Superboy had been hittin’ that and told us if any of us touched her he’d play “got your nose” - but for real. She was all, “Oh, I’m so sad Superboy’s dead, blah blah blah,”, and I’m like “Yeah, me too. Why don’t you come to my room and tell me all about it…” Then she was totally bobbin’ on lil’ Robin. Holla!

Then a couple weeks ago Kid Flash died. Admittedly… this one wasn’t such a big loss. If our team was a family, then he would have been the younger brother who is on a ton of Ritalin – he was pretty embarrassing. Then before he died, an accident with the speed force made him age ten years or so, and he acted like was all better than us. (Total Big ripoff…) So I guess it wasn’t really Kid Flash who died, it was Suddenly-Adult-Lame-Flash who died. No big whoop.

But now it’s like no one wants to talk to me. Even though we all get shot at all day long, we superheroes don’t really die all that often, so for me to lose two friends in a year, not to mention my dad getting killed…everyone thinks I’m a jinx. Beast Boy quit, and the only heroes I could get to join the team are Miss Martian, Ravager, Ravager’s brother, Jericho, and Kid Devil. The most intimidating parts about them are their names.

Miss Martian is an alien who has like the same powers as Superman, except for the ability to actually win a fight. She can also shapeshift, and while normally I’m down with a chick who has a prehensile vagina, deep down I can’t help but wonder if it’s really the Martian Manhunter trying out a new lifestyle and/or trying to play a practical joke on me.

Ravager, don’t let the tough name fool you – she is a chick with a sword and one eye. Which means all we need to find is a chick with both eyes, hand her a sword, and right there we’ve got an upgrade. Her dad is Deathstroke the Terminator, and she’s evidence that talent does in fact skip a generation. Oh, I almost forgot about her brother, Jericho, who has the ability to inhabit people’s bodies. He uses that one far less than his other ability, which is to cry. Here’s a little picture I drew of him:

Oh, duh, I almost forgot Kid Devil. He has claws. And long hair. And sometimes he breathes fire, which will come in handy the next time we’re fighting a rotisserie chicken. :p LOL!

So now Wonder Girl and Raven are going around Titans tower playing Justin Timberlake and watching “High School Musical” all the time, and I can’t outvote them anymore because Jericho does whatever his sister tells him and Kid Devil likes it when they braid his hair. I’m fighting crime with a goddamn slumber party. Nightwing came by a week ago, and two days later I received a package from Batman – pink Batarangs and a Robin costume covered in glitter glue. Assholes.

Oh yeah, speaking of Wonder Girl, well it turns out she’s a total freak. First she joined a cult and tried to raise Superboy from the dead (weird). Then recently we had to fight a Bizarro Superboy, and I end up getting my ass handed to me because she spends half the fight crying and blubbering, “I can’t…I can’t fight him.” If that weren’t enough, today she went completely agro at Flash’s funeral. Here’s a charming little tidbit:

“I’ve had my heart ripped out…over and over again…You all have my word that the men who killed my little brother Bart will pay for this! [FYI: they’re not brothers – at first she was using it as a metaphor, but I’m pretty sure she forgot it wasn’t real.] They’ll rot in hell for what they’ve done and it still won’t be good enough. Not by a long shot! They’ll be hunted down like animals and punished. May the gods help them if I’m the one to find them first!”

And that was how she ended it. Then she comes over to me and is like, “I’m sorry…Bart deserved a better speech.” (Oh, y’think?) But I have to be all, “No, no, it was beautiful. A lot of eulogies include the words, ‘rot in hell,’ and ‘hunted down like animals.’ It’s how he’d want to be remembered.”

Now what am I supposed to do? I’m usually think a relationship is over once someone starts trying to bring their ex back from the dead, but what if she thinks we’re still together? This is a chick whose power comes from the Greek gods. She can bench press as much as Hercules, and if she catches me scamming with some other girl she might decide it’s my testicles that need to be hunted down like animals.

I don’t even know who I can talk to about this. Alfred will just lecture me on how kids sound so stupid and making fun of how many times I say ‘like’. As for Batman, our relationship is all about hurting the ones you love, then calling it ‘training’. My only real friend is Cyborg, and the last time I talked to him about girls, he recorded the whole thing on his eye-cam and put it up on YouTube, so the whole word would know that I thought it was called the “D-spot”.

Fighting the Joker is easy compared to puberty.

This somewhat long comic blog was based on recent events in Teen Titans, written by Geoff Johns, and in Countdown, written by a bunch of guys, but headed by Paul Dini. I think Geoff Johns is great, but for the love of Pete - Kid Devil, Ravager and Jericho really have to go.