Chillin’ Like a Villain
Published by z June 19th, 2007 in MiscellaneousAnytime you make a “best-of” list, it’s obviously going to be subjective, and few people, if any, are going to agree with you. So after reading MSNBC’s list of the five best comic book villains, we here at Superhero Diaries thought we’d sit down with some of the big-bads who didn’t make the cut: Magneto, Doctor Doom, Brainiac, Darkseid, and Galactus.
Superhero Diaries: Gentlemen, hello. Let’s get right to it – number one, Lex Luthor.
Brainiac: I’ll start. Look, I will admit, I’ve hung out with Luthor on a number of occasions, and I want to say that I like him - I consider him a friend. And when it comes to the ladies, there is no better wingman out there. That being said, the guy is a human. When it comes to offensive capabilities, he has his body guard Mercy who we’re pretty sure is a post-op trannie, and a suit of high-tech armor…that Darkseid built for him.
Darkseid: Respect. Respect for DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS!
Doctor Doom: What? Some guy with a store-bought suit is #1?? What a crock! I built my first suit out of a Peugeot and an Apple 2E! And it was awesome!
Brainiac: See, that’s what I mean. He’s a good guy and a great businessman, but when you break it down, he’s just a rich man with nice toys who gets by on his rep. I’m not sure what the silly looking guys in the capes have ever done, but I shrunk a Kryptonian city and its entire population for fun. I keep it in a mason jar.
Superhero Diaries: Good point. Still, Lex Luthor is Superman’s arch-enemy; I suppose he has to be on the list. Plus, he makes bald beautiful…
Brainiac: So? I’m bald.
Darkseid: As is DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS!
Superhero Diaries: Yes, but I’m just balding, not turning green or a sickly grayish purple. And speaking of bad complexions, let’s talk about #2, the Joker.
Brainiac: I bet you think I’m going to pooh pooh the Joker too. I’m not. Just because he works on a smaller scale doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve respect. First of all, he dreams big. Most of us just want to rule the world, but he wants to kill it. That’s pretty villainous. Second of all, he fights Batman to a standstill, and even I think Batman is pretty bad-ass.
Darkseid: Word. That guy punched me in the face, and that takes some brass ones. For I am DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS!
Magneto: Who are these guys? Who are they talking about?
Doctor Doom: I have no idea.
Superhero Diaries: Batman is most definitely bad-ass. Okay, so the Joker is legit. I can’t say the same for the next villain, Ozymandias. For anyone not familiar with Alan Moore’s Watchmen* Ozymandias was a hero who claimed to be the smartest man on Earth. Later he staged a fake alien invasion, killing millions, but he did so to avert a growing nuclear crisis.
Magneto: Why would he want to avert a nuclear war? What fate would better fit homo sapiens, with fire clearing a path for Earth’s true rulers, mutants! Homo Superior!
Doctor Doom: Yeah – he’s not even a villain!
Brainiac: Can someone please calm the Superior Homo and his R2 unit? Nice capes, fellas – don’t go getting them in a bunch. Though I must protest: Ozymandias is the smartest man on Earth? Hello…my name is Brainiac? Plus, look at what he’s wearing! Is that a loincloth? A toga?
Darkseid: DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS OBJECTS! The guy may be a tool, but there’s nothing wrong with wearing something loose fitting. THE RULING TESTIKALS OF APOKOLIPS MUST BREATHE!
Magneto: Of course you say that – you’re wearing a skirt. Hey Doom, can you find out who this windbag is?
Doctor Doom: I’m Googling him, but I can’t find anything. Is Dark Side one word or two?
Darkseid: One word, but it’s actually spelled “d-a-r-k-s-e-i-d”.
Doctor Doom: Is that Jewish or something?
Darkseid: I actually get asked that a lot. The answer’s no. But Apokoliptan spelling is very similar to German.
Superhero Diaries: So we’re all in agreement that Ozymandias was a ridiculous choice and an obvious attempt by the author to prove he SHE read Watchmen and therefore seem cool, like when I reference Fugazi songs. But let’s stay on track, fellas. Doom, Magneto, we now come to someone from your neck of the woods: Dark Phoenix. How do you feel about this one? She did eat a star…
Doctor Doom: You mind if I go first?
Magneto: Not at all (filthy human).
Doctor Doom: What?
Magneto: Hm? Oh, nothing.
Doctor Doom: Anyway, as I was about to say, Dark Phoenix caused billions of deaths, and I think we’d all agree that’s very impressive. [Everyone nods, except Galactus, who shrugs] But then she went and killed herself with remorse. If you’re a bad guy, you can’t get all weepy every time you kill people, whether it’s a village in Latveria or a system of planets. Honestly she comes off less like a villain and more like a pouty fifteen year old.
Superhero Diaries: Galactus, you’ve been awfully quiet up until now –
Galactus: That’s because I’m Galactus, Destroyer of Worlds. I eat planets. The Silver Surfer is my man-servant. Why don’t you guys work out which one of you is the best villain, and then I’ll come along and stir-fry your solar system.
Brainiac: Sounds like someone’s jealous…
Galactus: Of what – that she ate a star? Whatever. I can eat a star; I just don’t do it very often. You know what they say: “it burns like nuclear fusion going in, and it burns like nuclear fission on the way out.”
Doctor Doom: Ew.
Superhero Diaries: You said it. Okay one left. Let me see here…the Red Skull? That can’t be right…
Magneto: It’s preposterous! He is merely a Homo Sap-
Brainiac: Wait, why not? He sounds interesting, no matter what kind of homo he is.
Darkseid: YES, DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS, FINDS SKULLS TO BE BAD-ASS!
Magneto: But he’s just a Nazi!
Brainiac: Really?
Darkseid: DARKSEID, RULER OF APOKOLIPS, DEMANDS TO KNOW: what’s a Nazi, dude?
Brainiac: I’ll explain it to you later. Wait – so you mean he doesn’t have any super powers?
Magneto: Nope.
Brainiac: What sort of weapons does he use?
Magneto: Guns, mostly. And the ‘Dust of Death.”
Brainiac: What the hell is that?
Magneto: I don’t know. Asbestos, maybe?
Brainiac: Well, why do they call him the Red Skull?
Magneto: Got a face like a red skull. Used to be a mask; then it got melted on.
Brainiac: He sounds like a carnival act. And you’re sure he’s just a Nazi?
Magneto: Yep.
Brainiac: Huh…well, that’s just stupid.
Magneto: Yep.
Doctor Doom: Uh-huh.
Galactus: I’m out of here. I’ve got a planet size casserole in the oven.
Superhero Diaries: There you have it – out of five top villains, two are pretentious dickheads with no superpowers and one is the type of girl who can eat a sun, but then gets all sad because she’s a big fat pig and boys will never like her. But then again, the author did read “Watchmen”. I’m sure he SHE knows what he SHE’s talking about.
*I’m contractually obligated to say that Watchmen is the greatest thing of all time ever, and it revolutionized comic blah blah blah – I’m sorry, as good as it is, the Prince Charming and text interludes are boring. There, I said it. And while we’re on the subject, the interdimensional – psychedelic warp scene in 2001 sucks ass.
Z. You would make a horrible bad guy and you probably suck at poker almost as much as I do. You show your hand way to easily. I mean, Batman is pretty damned cool and there are some REALLY lame characters out there. But Joker gets to be #2 just for keeping Batman on his toes? No way. Joker can be #2, but there has to be better reasons than he wants to kill people and he makes Batman dance like a little puppet.
Z and Batman
Sitting in a Tree.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G…
I once read (perhaps in a Batman comic book), that a man should be judged not on his friends, but on his enemies. By that standard, Joker is awesome.
They’ll never understand our love, Caped Crusader!
Don’t worry Z, some of us understand. It may be irrational, but we all need (super)heroes.
Well done, Z. Would it make Darkseid feel better to know he-of-the-thigh-high-boots almost made the cut? Almost.
As the author of the MSNBC 5Top piece at the heart of this debate, I must chime in to clear up one point. And it’s not about Ozy (who was a genuine, albeit contentious pick—always fun to raise the hackles!); it’s that I’m a she, not a he. Shes read comic books, too, ya’ know.
I have to admit, I am quite flattered that you read (and I’m assuming enjoyed…somewhat) the piece, Ree. I will certainly correct all gender-based errors - women who read comic books get a thumbs-up in my book. (I don’t suppose you know any who play Magic: The Gathering, do you?)
And for the record, I will be forever grateful that you didn’t put the ridiculous “Anti-Monitor” on the list.
Oh, yeah, I totally enjoyed this, z! I was hoping the list would spark some reactions, and getting the smackdown from the big-bads themselves is the best kind. And funny. My superheroes list drops soon, so be prepared.
Thanks for the gender reassignment! And for what it’s worth, I’m with you on the trippy waste in 2001. It’s like a random and unfortunate prog rock video in an otherwise perfect flick.
Is it just me, or did Z’s female twin/doppleganger just stumble into the ‘Diaries?