Superhero Diaries

The Main Event: Iron Man vs. Steel. Both represent the respective efforts of Marvel and DC, respectively, to toy with the hopes and dreams of their readers. Their hero status symbolizes that you don’t need superpowers to be a member of the Justice League/Avengers – all you need is to be smarter than everyone around you, especially if you like playing with robots*. Next thing you know you’re nineteen years old and still playing with your toy AT-AT. I hate Iron Man and Steel.

In the red corner: Iron Man – When he’s not fighting crime, Iron Man is also Tony Stark, a wealthy playboy, notorious womanizer and recovering alcoholic. The suit’s primary weapons are “repulsor rays” in the gauntlets (which I’ve already discussed, and are violations of everything we know about physics), though since Iron Man is basically a human-shaped version of Batman’s utility belt, he can really have any weapon writers can think of concealed somewhere in the suit.

In the blue corner: Steel –John Henry Irons (get it? Irons/Steel? BRILLIANT!) was a high-tech weapons designer until one of his designs was used to kill people. For some reason, this made him sad – clearly he never read his own business card. To ease his (nonsensical) guilt, he began working construction.

One day Irons fell from a construction site, and would have died had Superman not come to the rescue. Inspired, Irons built a suit of armor with a big Superman-style S on the chest, tied a cape around the neck, and went out to fight crime. Basically, Steel is the world’s most powerful groupie. (Take THAT, Jimmy Olsen!)

Aside from being Superman’s Number One Fan, Steel doesn’t have that many powers. His suit gives him increased strength and flight, but really his only weapon is a giant sledgehammer. But wait, it’s a “smart” sledgehammer! That means that the farther Steel throws it, the harder it hits, according to Einstein’s Second Theory of Shit That Can Never Happen. It also has the ability to analyze its target’s defenses and steer towards any weaknesses. Forget Luke and his ability to bull’s-eye womprats - this thing could have totally taken out the Death Star all by itself. What’s up now, R2?!?**

The Handicap: Given that Steel really hasn’t put much time and effort into his actual armor, I’m teaming him up with Troy Hurtubise. As some of you may know, Mr. Hurtubise is the designer of the Ursus Mark VI, a suit of armor that would allow him to live his dream of beating up a grizzly bear, or at least not dying when he walks up to one and punches it in the face. In any case, I’ve seen the guy take a shotgun blast to the chest in the thing – that’s pretty damned awesome. Plus, he was inspired by Robocop. I won’t lie, I really want to hang out with him.***

Round One: With the numbers on their side, Steel and Hurtubise go on the offensive. Hurtubise charges while Steel challenges, “I understand you used to be an alcoholic – let’s get you hammered!” Iron Man easily dodges both while chiding Steel for the awful pun.

Iron Man takes to the air. Steel follows while Hurtubise is helplessly stuck on the ground. Iron Man kicks him in the head, and while the blow doesn’t hurt Hurtubise, he is tipped over onto his back and unable to turn himself over. He spends the rest of the round praying he never meets a flying bear.

As for Iron Man, he seems bizarrely unwilling to engage Steel. He only defends, and no blows are exchanged.

Intermission: After helping Hurtubise off the ground, Steel and the inventor take their helmets off to discuss strategy. Across the jar, Stark shouts, “Wait a minute! I though I was fighting Superman and that redheaded life partner of his!”

Hurtubise suggests they mark Iron Man’s territory with their own urine – Steel ignores him. He then suggests they stand on two legs so as to seem bigger and more aggressive – Steel disdainfully shakes him off. Hurtubise then says, “I got it! Let’s play dead!” Steel agrees, Hurtubise falls to the floor, and Steel turns to fight.

Round 2: Iron Man and Steel hover several feet off the bottom of the jar. Steel attacks again, but a sledgehammer is unwieldy and slow, and Iron Man dodges easily, talking all the while: “So wait…I still don’t understand why you have the S on your chest. And what’s with the cape? That’s just plain stupid.”

The banter infuriates Steel. He backs away from Iron Man and growls, “You may be Iron Man, but I’m Mr. Irons,” and hurls his hammer. Iron Man’s eyes roll with disgust as he sidesteps the attack.

Suddenly, Steel’s hammer veers off-course. Having analyzed Iron Man’s armor, the hammer’s software determined that Tony Stark himself was the suit’s biggest vulnerability, and given his well-known weakness for women, the hammer concluded that Iron Man’s Achilles’ heel is, in fact, his junk. Iron Man is unprepared; the hammer collides with a tremendous crash as he collapses. Fortunately the round ends before the referee can count to ten.

Intermission: Steel shouts apologies across the jar, saying he had no idea the hammer was going to do that. Iron Man does not reply. Hurtubise mentions that he would never kick a bear in the nads, then goes back to playing dead.

Round 3: Even with a limp, Iron Man looks imposing as he stands in the middle of the jar. Steel attempts to reconcile, saying, “Listen, I can’t tell you how sorry I a-,” but he is cutoff when a clear liquid jets from a hidden compartment in Iron Man’s midsection. Steel shouts, “Holy – did you just piss on -,” but again he is cut off. The liquid was Loctite, freezing the joints in Steel’s suit.

Iron Man unleashes a flurry of punches on the helpless Steel, as Hurtubise, lying as still as possible, shouts, “Play dead, dude! PLAY DEAD!!!” The outcome of the match is clear, but Iron Man insists on adding insult to injury. While singing “If I Only Had a Brain”, he poses Steel in a series of compromising positions involving Hurtubise, who can only lie there muttering, “I’mdeadI’mdeadI’mdeadI’mdead,” as Iron Man takes photographs.

The Winner: Iron Man and his last functioning testicle. For the record, Steel doesn’t actually use such awful puns. Maybe I was a bit rough on him, but to be honest, I always thought he was a terrible character born out of an awful Superman storyline. No superhero who isn’t a Norse thunder god should rely on a hammer.

*Yes, one could argue that Batman and the archers (Green Arrow, Red Arrow, Hawkeye, and probably a bunch of other dudes I can’t think of) also represent normal people who became superheroes based purely on effort. But even a thirteen year old boy knows that

1. They don’t have the money, charm or testicular fortitude to be Batman, and
2. The archers have ZERO job security, and they are a pink slip away from being attractions on the Renaissance Fair circuit.

**I have no idea why I’m on such a Star Wars kick today.

***I think this is because the grizzly suit seems like something my friend OG would build, leading us to the following conversation:

Z: Why on Earth would you want a grizzly suit, dude?
OG: Because it’s high time we stopped being afraid of some punk ass grizzly cub that weighs less than my Labrador. We have opposable thumbs. I am going to build me a grizzly suit, and make some grizzly cub my bitch while his mom sits there and does nothing. I’m gonna take his lunch money.
Z: You’re insane.
OG: Whatever, dude. Chicks dig guys who have punched grizzly bears in the face.
Z: …do grizzly suits come in size ‘small’?