Superhero Diaries

The Superhero Diaries: by those who truly wear their underpants on the outside.

Today’s Author: Superman

Maybe this is going to sound vain of me, but no matter how many statues they build of the Supe, I still get a kick out of a little reminder of how much the world needs me.  For instance, I recently went into hiding along with Batman and Wonder Woman, and proceeded to watch as dozens of second-tier superheroes ran around stopping crime with a ruthless efficiency that reminded me of watching Krypto try to hump a doorknob. 

Don’t get me wrong, the B-listers are great… to a point.  I mean, there’s a lot of not-so-supervillains out there -  half the time I can’t even remember their names - with powers derived from some sort of garden mammal or something.  And when Vole-man is holding up the corner store, believe me, I’m glad to have people like Booster Gold and Huntress around.  People are into that sort of thing – that’s why there’s a market for minor league baseball games and Go-Bots. 

As long as the world is this low on competent superheroes, there will always be a need for me, Batman and Wonder Woman, and to coincide with our triumphant return, we’ve decided to reform the Justice League of America.  In our absence, it had come to look more like a Cirque de Soleil act than the defenders of the universe.  It was also a great opportunity to get rid of some previous dead weight (see: Huntress), and while some college team might call this a “rebuilding year”, it feels more to me like we’re picking who gets to sit at the cool-kids’ table. 

Right now the team looks like this, besides the three of us: 

Green Lantern: Naturally.  Not only is his ring is the most powerful weapon in the universe, it’s like the ultimate Swiss Army knife.  You want a giant green snow cone maker?  Done.  Giant green nail clippers?  Boom.  You don’t overlook added-value like that.

Red Tornado: Red Tornado is an android.  What’s odd about him is that he’s an android with a wife.  Any other android and I’d wonder what she saw in him, but what you have to understand about Reddy is that his appendages make whirlwinds.   I may not have a G-spot, but something tells me that if I did, having a two-inch dust devil touch down on it would feel pretty damn good.

Black Lightning:  Despite what some people think, this isn’t some sort of Affirmative Action thing.  Sure, he’s black, but BL can throw lightning bolts, and while you might not think that would come in handy, for some reason it does. A lot. Trust me.  Still, I really hate that name.  I always feel so uncomfortable saying it; I mean, the new Atom is Korean but it’s not like we call him “Asian Atom”.  But when I try and get around it, like “Hey, Lightning, can I get one of your fries?” he’ll just stare at me until I say, “Sorry.  Can I have a fry, BLACK Lightning?”   What you have to understand is that he came up with that name back in the seventies, and he was a lot more militant back then.  I suppose I should just be glad he stopped calling Wonder Woman “Wonder Whitey”. 

Arsenal…or Red Arrow (I don’t know what we’re calling him, but either way it’s a step up from his old name “Speedy”):  Now here’s our Affirmative Action hire.  I don’t know how it happened, but somewhere along the line it became a rule that every superhero team needs an archer.   Personally, I don’t understand how someone manages to not feel stupid combating laser beams with Stone Age technology, but I guess it takes all kinds.   I just hate them because every time we need to go somewhere, they need to be carried by one of the fliers, usually me.  (I just had a great idea – I’m gonna call him “Luggage”.  It’s still better than Batman’s name for him: “Quota”.)

Black Canary:  Her above average karate skills and ability to scream loudly are so useful in the fight against evil that it really chaps my super-hide every time someone says we hired her because she’s blond, hot, and wears a leather one-piece with fishnet stockings.  That has nothing to do with it at all.  How dare you, sir.

Hawkgirl: Her ability to fly and hit things with a club, while redundant and subpar when compared to my powers, have nevertheless been so useful in the fight against evil that it really chaps my super-hide when people say we hired her because she’s got a smokin’ body and wears nothing more than tights and a tube top.  That has nothing to do with it at all.  How dare you, sir.

Vixen: Actually, I don’t even know if she’s on the team, but Batman says she is.  I haven’t seen her all day.  She has the ability to mimic the powers of animals.  I know I disparaged that earlier, but in the past she has been so useful in the fight against - ah shit, she’s just on the team because she shows a lot of cleavage.  But you never know, maybe one day she can coat herself in some sort of mucous membrane that will somehow save the day.  In any case, Batman and I have a twenty dollar bet about which part of her body a spider web would come from.  I figure even if I lose, the show itself will be worth the twenty bucks.

When we’re not breaking criminal’s noses, we’ll at least be giving them blue balls.  Beware, evil-doers.

I forgot to mention that I based this on the new Justice League of America, written by Brad Meltzer.  It’s by far my favorite comic right now; his stories tend to be pretty far-reaching, but never disappoint.  That being said, there are always one or two lines in each of his books that make no sense to me.  It’s the only complaint I have.