Superhero Diaries

One of my favorite fanboy hobbies is sitting around asking, “what would you do if you had so-and-so’s powers?” For the most part, answers consist of either exacting revenge on some people or very contrived methods of seeing girls naked. But if I was given superpowers, I’d be using them for EVERYTHING. So what would happen if I had the powers of…

Mr. Fantastic

A little background: During an ill-fated trip into space, Reed Richards was bombarded with “cosmic radiation”, giving his body the ability to stretch to nearly any shape and size. His elasticity makes him practically invulnerable to bullets and knives, and while that’s certainly impressive, it doesn’t take a huge stretch of the imagination to figure out why he probably got the title of “Mr. Fantastic” from his wife.

Day 1: These powers have sexual ramifications I could spend the next year exploring. Without getting too graphic, I’m going to make my Ear, Nose, and Throat Doctor look like a pansy. Okay, that was actually very graphic.

Day 2: My roommates asked why my girlfriend and I have been holed up in my room so much. I explained it to them with as much tact as I could, and they’ve requested that I never do the dishes again. Bonus.

Day 3: During Wonder Woman’s latest “Fantasticoscopy”, I put my head someplace a head was only meant to come out of, and… wow. That’s certainly not the prettiest part of the human body. It’s almost enough to make a guy stop eating red meat. I’m double bagging it from now on. On a side note, I’m still working on my rendition of “Do Your Ears Hang Low”. Ironically, it’s the singing that I’m really struggling with.

Day 4: I’m going to have to send out an email, because everyone seems to think it’s funny to greet me by kicking me in the nuts. It doesn’t hurt, but I’ve started to question my relationships. It was really unsettling when Mom did it.

Day 5: I was doing my “What’s twelve feet tall, has two thumbs, and likes blowjobs?” joke and accidentally ran my head into my ceiling fan. It was like a taffy pull, and I ended up with my nose a half inch from my asshole for a half-hour while I got myself unwound. Talk about an unfortunate twist. (zing!) Oh yeah, I gotta buy a new fan.

Day 6: I was watching cartoons this morning before work. Y’know when an attractive woman walks by and the guy’s eyes bug out, his tongue rolls on the ground, and his heart jumps three feet out of his chest? A couple hours later I found out that in the professional world that constitutes sexual harassment. So what if it wasn’t my heart that stuck out three feet? We’re all adults here. That’s funny.

Day 7: I went to the movies today, sat in front of the tallest dude in the theater, and then stretched myself six inches taller than him. Let’s see how you like it, Dr. J.

The Superhero Diaries: by those with their underwear on the outside.

By Mitchell Hundred

Introduction: Since Ex Machina is not a pop culture phenomenon like Batman or Superman, allow me to set the scene a little bit.  The comic takes place in the “real” New York.  The hero is a man named Mitchell Hundred, (yes, that’s his name).  He was an engineer, investigating an alien-looking device at the bottom of the Brooklyn Bridge when it blew up and somehow it gave him the ability to talk to machines.

Hundred tried being a superhero.  With a jetpack and sort of a raygun, he went around calling himself The Great Machine, which apparently is a Thomas Jefferson reference, and I bet it’s a big step up from his childhood nickname, Nerdy McKnow-It-All.

Now that’s all in the past.  In the present, Hundred has given up crime fighting, publicly revealed his secret identity, and become the mayor of New York City, largely because (and here’s quite the twist) on September 11, the Great Machine saved one of the twin towers. 

If this sounds weird for a comic book, that’s because it is.  But it’s one of the best-written comics out there.  On with the blog…

It’s 3am and the alarm clock keeps telling me to go to sleep.

That’s one of the things most people don’t realize about my powers.  Everybody focuses on the positives, like being able to change the channel without a remote, but when you talk to machines you find out they don’t exactly excel in people skills.  You want to know why you always lose socks in the washing machine?  Because washing machines are assholes and they think it’s funny.  (Though if I spent all day chewing on underwear I’d probably be testy, too.)

As you might imagine, alarm clocks tend to be annoying, anal-retentive bastards.  Right now it’s reminding me that it’s 2:49 AM and I only have three hours and eleven minutes left before I’m supposed to wake up.  Thanks, mom, but who could sleep after the day I’ve had???  For days, someone has been terrorizing the city, robbing people’s houses dressed as a fireman.  I’ve been having weird ass dreams involving a talking, pun-making dog, and on top of all that, a woman sat down on the steps of City Hall and lit herself on fire, because when I was the Great Machine I busted her son for selling weed, and this week he was stabbed to death in prison. 

So why am I smiling?

Because I finally have a superpower, that’s why.  I don’t know how, but just when things were at their worst this afternoon, I got really pissed and all of a sudden…KABOOM!  Lightning came through the window!!!! 

Up ’til now I was never a big fan of my so-called “powers.”  If I’m at a party and people hear that I’m a superhero, the first thing they want me to do is lift something heavy. “Hey Mitch, bench press my car.”  “Hey Mitch, move my refrigerator.”  Then I have to explain to them that I’m not super strong and if I move their refrigerator I’ll throw out my back, but if they’d like I can talk it into making the freezer compartment a little colder.  Suddenly I’m not so popular, and I spend the evening gossiping with the bathroom sink.

Wait ’til they get a load of me now.  Press conference not going so well?  Kaboom.  Some asshole makes a crack about me dating a vacuum cleaner?  Kaboom.  I just got promoted from The Great Machine to the Incredible, Outstanding, Fantabulously Stupendous Machine.  Write it down.

The only problem is I can’t get the lightning thing to work again.  I can’t figure it out.  I’ve done everything I can think of.  I even shouted “Shazam!”, though I felt really stupid doing it.  (The light bulb, who thinks he’s a goddamn comedian, flickered.  I told him to go screw himself.  It’s about as good as light bulb humor gets.)

I’m being told that I only have three hours and two minutes before I’m supposed to get up, so I’m going to try and get to bed.  I just had to tell somebody.  Also, if there’s a weird talking dog in my dreams, he better look up and hope there aren’t any clouds overhead.

This Superhero Diary was brought to you by Ex Machina #23, written by Brian K. Vaughn, who writes some of the best comics in the business.

Put any two comic book fans in a room together, and sooner or later a sentence is going to begin, “Who would win between…” It’s similar to the well-known bit where a kid puts Insect A and Insect B in a jar and shakes it see “who wins”, as if eight earthworms will eat a beetle if they are sufficiently vibrated.

Well, this is me, doing that.

Today we pit Iron Man vs. Green Lantern in a battle to see who can violate Newton’s laws the most.

In the Left Corner: Green Lantern Test pilot Hal Jordan wears a ring that that can make solid objects out of green light in whatever shapes Jordan wants. Unfortunately, the limitless number of possibilities causes Jordan to solve problems with overly complex methods. For instance, if he locked himself out of the house, he wouldn’t make a giant green key, he’d make a giant green janitor with a giant green keyring.

The Green Lantern ring is often called the most powerful weapon in the Universe, yet one of his greatest enemies is “Shark”… a mutant shark with arms and legs. Apparently the one shape the Green Lantern ring cannot make is a fishhook.

In the Right Corner: Iron Man Iron Man is the alter-ego of Tony Stark, who wears a state-of-the-art suit of armor of his own design. Similar to Green Lantern, Iron Man’s primary weapon are “repulsor rays” mounted in his armor’s gauntlets and chest plate, and capable of applying great force without any sort of kickback. This is about as scientifically valid as a one-way two-by-four, and while Hal Jordan is only a test pilot, Stark has a Master’s in Electrical Engineering from MIT, so this really oughta be twisting his brain into mush. Maybe that’s why he has such a drinking problem. (He really has one.)

The Handicap: Hal Jordan wears the most powerful weapon in the Universe. This makes me believe the Universe is alarmingly deficient when it comes to weaponry, but if the book says his ring is the most powerful, then it’s the most powerful. I’m going to put three Iron Men in the jar.

Round 1: From the opening bell, Green Lantern goes with his ol’ favorite, a gigantic green boxing glove. Fortunately for him, the Iron Men didn’t realize they were facing combat technology from Bugs Bunny cartoons and one of them is caught completely off his guard. (As he lies on the bottom of the jar, illustrated bluebirds and stars are seen floating around his head, indicating his unconsciousness.) The other two Iron Men take off using their jet boots and fire repulsor rays. Green Lantern attempts to remove one of the Iron Men from his armor using a pair of twenty-foot chopsticks, but he has much difficulty wielding them as he does with real chopsticks, and the Iron Men take advantage of his confusion by getting a couple shots in. Green Lantern constructs a giant green pillow fort for protection, and the round ends in a stalemate. The two conscious Iron Men land to debate strategies.

Between Rounds 1 and 2: Hal Jordan creates two green girls in bikinis carrying boards that read “Round 2″ as the first Iron Man regains consciousness. A notorious (but unfortunately confused) lothario, Stark attempts to flirt with the girls. His companions try to stop him, but he refuses to listen and they quickly give up. The girls pretend not to be able to hear him, so Stark removes his helmet, and when the second round begins he is whopped with another green boxing glove. The air in the jar is becoming crowded with birdies and stars, but once the fighting begins they are quickly obliterated.

Round 2: The two Iron Men spent the break discussing tactics and have decided to go with a summer camp favorite. One Iron Man lobs a small, ominous looking canister in the air. Green Lantern follows it with his eyes, preparing to form a gigantic green catcher’s mitt, but as his head tilts back, the Iron Men hit him in the stomach with repulsor rays. It turns out the canister is nothing more than a one-time use can of Tag Body Spray. Worse, it’s already used.

Jordan retaliates by forming a large keyboard in the air with a cable leading to one Iron Man’s armor. When large green fingers press “Control, Alt and Delete”, the armor’s task manager pops up, freezing all activity and rendering him useless. Unfortunately the round ends before the last Iron Man can be similarly disabled.

Round 3: At the start of the round Jordan attempts his control-alt-delete tactic again, but without affect. After the match, it is discovered that Iron Man used the break to switch operating systems from Windows XP to Linux, and was heard muttering “I should’ve done this years ago.”

From the opening bell the fighters warily circle each other. The fight seems to be in Green Lantern’s favor; after all, two Iron Men are eliminated, and Iron Man’s repulsor rays are no match for Green Lantern’s shields. But as Green Lantern attempts one Byzantine attack after another, Iron Man proves to be too quick. Green Lantern pins Iron Man in an image of a large green Italian Sub, but Iron Man escapes before the sandwich can be eaten by a larger green fat man. Iron Man also steps off of the green railroad tracks before being flattened by a green locomotive. For the rest of the round, Green Lantern seems confused, mumbling to himself, ” Green Dragon? No…Green Tommy-Gun Wielding Prohibition-Era Gangster? No…”

The Result: With both combatants still standing, the match is ruled a draw. As the lid of the jar is removed, Green Lantern slaps his head and shouts “GREEN CAN OPENER! FUCK, WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?!?”

To the tune of the “Real Men of Genius” Bud Light ads

Today we salute you, Ms. Attractive Girl Working at the Comic Book Store.
(Ms. Attractive Girl Working at the Comic Book Store!)

When cupcakes and breasts are the only thing that could make a trip to the comic book store better, you show up with the one that’s illegal to purchase.
(Show me those wonder girls!)

What more could a man possibly want, when he’s got a cute girl who can talk comics?
(DON’T forget that employee discount!)

Every day you go to work, you bridge the gender gap, bravely sidestepping the stigma of nerditude and the lusty stares of fat men, because you really want to know how long Kid Devil will continue to be a Teen Titan.
(He’s so very LA-A-AME!)

So here’s to you, Super Girl, from all the men hoping that you’ll come back to their Fortress and help get rid of the Solitude.
(Ms. Attractive Girl Working at the Comic Book Stooooooooore…..)