Superhero Diaries

Another big fanboy hobby is sitting around asking, “what would you do if you had so-and-so’s powers?” For the most part, answers consist of either exacting revenge on some people or very contrived methods of seeing girls naked. But the fact of the matter is that if I was given superpowers, I’d be using them for EVERYTHING, and I strongly suspect most people would. So what would happen if…

I had Wolverine’s powers?

Info: Wolverine’s name comes from the fact that he likes to scratch and can be a little crazy. To help him in his scratching, he has three foot-long retractable claws in each of his forearms, made out of an indestructible metal called adamantium. (The signature onomatopoeia of his claws coming out is “SNIKT!” and my friend Mike still makes snikt jokes to this day.) His skeleton is similarly laced with admantium, giving Wolverine unbreakable bones. On top of that, Wolverine has heightened senses of hearing and smell, but the best part is that Wolverine has a mutant “healing factor”, which means his injuries heal almost instantly, pretty much solving any other problems he might have. He’s neither the biggest, strongest nor fastest of the Marvel Universe, but it could definitely be argued that he is the biggest bad-ass.

Here’s how my diary would go…

Day 1: Holy shit this is the coolest thing ever! Dear Diary, I am SO going to get some revenge on some people! I wanted to fly to San Francisco to show my brother, but at the airport I had a little bit of a problem going through the metal detector. I don’t think there’s a lot of flying in my future. Damn it, now all of my frequent flier miles are gonna go to waste. Also, my first attempt to eat cereal with the claws did not go well.

Day 2: I’m looking forward to not buying razor blades any more, but let’s say that little maneuver needs some work. Plus, I never realized how badly I smell. I’ve started breathing through my mouth.

Day 3: There was a fly on the wall. My girlfriend wanted me to kill it with a magazine, but there’s nothing cool about that. If you have a Porsche you don’t keep it in the garage, so…SNIKT! I was gonna make an example out of that fucker. I took a couple swings at him and missed. My roommates implored me to stop, but I told them that the living room needed a new paint job anyway. Then I thought it’d look cool if I stabbed him, sorta like Mr. Miyagi with the chopsticks, but I guess when he landed on the wall he was over one of the power lines. I’m told I was out for 2 hours. This healing factor is awesome. (Note: The dead fly was laying next to me when I came to, but as far as I could see there were no cut marks on him. I think he was killed by an electrical arc. I hope those other flies realize who they’re messing with.)

Day 4: I thought I’d cook for my roommates tonight. I’ve also decided that from now on I’m only cooking dishes that involve extensive dicing, so I went with chicken tacos, and a pico de gallo. Wonder Woman asked me if I remembered to wash my claws after cutting up the raw chicken. I told her no. What am I going to do, sit on the drying rack for a half-hour? She gave me a look, but I have no idea what she’s getting at. I’m also feeling dizzy; I might go lie down.

Day 6: Okay, salmonella sucks, but at least I know that healing factor is still working like a charm. Wonder Woman says she wishes I’d stop using the blades for everything. She thinks I’m going to hurt myself. I told her danger was my middle name, but she doesn’t see how that applies to picking my nose.

Day 7: Wonder Woman is pissed at me. You’d think if her bra cost so damn much it’d have a clasp that works. I’m also getting tired of my roommates asking me to open all their mail and shred their documents. We have a perfectly good shredder, but they’re still pissed about the living room walls. Maybe these powers aren’t so good after all.

Day 8: Forget what I said yesterday. Y’know the detachable thumb gag? Well, my version makes everyone else’s look like shit. I can’t wait to show this to my nephew. I’m also excited to go to the gym tomorrow; I think I figured out where to drill a hole into the women’s showers. These powers rock. SNIKT!

The Superhero Diaries: written by those with their underpants on the outside.

By Batman

I want to go on record saying that I actually kind of like fighting the Riddler.  Unlike most of my enemies, he’s a harmless weenie whose “riddles” aren’t much more difficult than knock-knock jokes.  To be honest I spend most of my time looking puzzled just to keep from hurting his feelings.   It’s almost like he’s my nephew. But that doesn’t mean I’m always glad to see him, particularly if he shows up unannounced like he did yesterday. 

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